Radical Candor — the Communication Shift That Can Transform Your Career

URL: https://share.snipd.com/episode/c73fd9f6-e28f-4727-b274-257d4a124e55

Chad Hudson's AI podcast notes from Radical Candor: The Communication Shift That Can Transform Your Career

Radical Candor and the Power of Caring and Challenging
Key takeaways:

• Feedback is critical for improving communication skills.
• It's important to give feedback in a meaningful way.
• Kim Scott is an executive, author, speaker, and executive coach.
• Radical Cander is about caring personally and challenging directly.
• Caring and challenging are considered radical because they are rare.
  Transcript:
  Speaker 2
  Loved it, hated it, that sucked. Feedback is critical to improving our communication skills, but how do we do it right so it's meaningful? I'm Matt Abrahams. I teach strategic communication at Stanford Graduate School of Business. And welcome to Think Fast, Talk Smart, The Podcast. Welcome to Think Fast. Today I'm really excited to speak with Kim Scott. Kim is an executive, an author, and a speaker. She wrote the New York Times bestseller, Radical Cander, be a kickass boss without losing your humanity and just work how to root out bias, prejudice, and bullying to create a kickass Culture of inclusivity. Kim also held important senior leadership and development roles at Google and Apple. And she's also an executive coach. Welcome, Kim. I'm super excited to talk to you and our former guest and friend, Bob Sutton, speaks super highly of your work.
  Speaker 3
  Shall we jump in? Let's do it.
  Speaker 1
  Thanks so much for having me. Awesome.
  Speaker 2
  To begin, can you share your definition of Radical Cander?
  Speaker 1
  Sure. Radical Cander is just caring personally and challenging directly at the same time. And caring and challenging don't sound so radical. So why do I call them radical? They're radical because they're rare. (Time 0:00:00)
  - Tags:: communication,

The Four Quadrants of Political Behavior and Drama in the Workplace
Key takeaways:

• The worst place of all is manipulative insincerity, where political behavior and passive aggressive behavior thrive.
• Obnoxious aggression and manipulative insincerity are where a lot of drama occurs, but not where the most mistakes are made.
• Ruinous empathy is when we care personally but fail to challenge directly, leading to withholding information that could be beneficial in the long run.
  Transcript:
  Speaker 1
  Instead, it's my instinct to go the wrong way on challenge directly. And then I wind up in the dreaded bottom left-hand quadrant, the worst place of all, manipulative insincerity. And if obnoxious aggression is front-stabbing, manipulative insincerity is back-stabbing. It's where manipulative insincerity is where political behavior, it's where all of the worst passive aggressive behavior, all of the worst kinds of behavior creep in. And it's also where there's a lot of drama. There's drama in obnoxious aggression. There's drama in manipulative insincerity. If you watch The Office, you're going to see a lot of episodes about both of those things. But it's not where the most mistakes get made. It's just where the drama is. The vast majority of us make the vast majority of our mistakes. When we do remember to show we care personally, so we're now in the upper left-hand quadrant because we're failing to challenge directly. So we're caring, but we're not challenging. That I call ruinous empathy. And that is what happens when we don't tell someone something they'd be better off knowing in the long run, because we don't want to hurt their feelings. (Time 0:02:33)
  - Tags:: communication,

The Importance of Direct Feedback in Career Growth
Transcript:
Speaker 1
They're really seeming to mean what she said. But of course, all I wanted to know was what I had done wrong. Eventually, she said to me, you said, I'm a lot in there. Were you aware of it? And with this, I breathed a huge sigh of relief because if that was all I had done wrong, who can't? And I kind of made a brush off gesture with my hand. And she looked at me again and she said, you know, I know this great speech coach. I let Google pay for it. Would you like an introduction? And once again, I made this brush off gesture with my hand. I said, I know I'm busy. I don't have time for a speech coach. Didn't you hear about all those new customers? And then she stopped. She looked me right in the eye and she said, I can tell when you do that thing with your hand that I'm going to have to be a lot more direct with you. When you say every third word, it makes you sound stupid. Now she's got my full attention. And some people might say it was mean of her to say that I sounded stupid. But in fact, it was the kindest thing she could have done for me at that moment in my career. Because if she hadn't used just those words with me, and by the way, this is a really important point, she never would have used those words with other people on her team who are perhaps A better listener than I was. But with me, she knew me well enough to know that if she didn't use just those words, I never would have gone to see the speech coach. (Time 0:06:01)
- Tags:: communication,

The Importance of Effective Feedback and Communication
Key takeaways:

• Feedback debt can have unpredictable consequences if not addressed
• Having synchronous conversations is preferable to written communication like texting or Slack
• It is better to have voice conversations rather than video conversations
• Praise should be given publicly, while criticism should be given privately
• Focus on providing feedback on behaviors that can be improved or changed
• Use the framework of context, observation, result, and next steps when giving feedback
  Transcript:
  Speaker 1
  I think sometimes we have feedback debt. And feedback debt, what happens is it winds up exploding kind of in unpredictable ways. And then before times, I used to say, have these conversations in person. Now that's often impossible. But I think you want to have these conversations synchronously. You don't want to send a text. Slack is a feedback train wreck waiting to happen because slack is often like public criticism in writing asynchronous. Like it's all the wrong notes. So you want to make sure that you're having a conversation with a person. And there's increasingly there's evidence that it's better to pick up the phone and just have a voice conversation and not do a video conversation. You also want to make sure that you're praising in public, criticizing in private and that you're not giving somebody praise or criticism about their personality. Right. Instead, you want to focus on having a growth mindset, giving people praise and criticism about things that they can either do more of or do less of. So the best way I know how to do that is to think about your praise and your criticism in terms of context, observation, result, next steps. So in the meeting, when you said, um, every third word, it made you sound stupid. (Time 0:12:43)
  - Tags:: communication,

Handling Upset and Anger: Seeking Feedback and Extending Grace
Key takeaways:

• It is important to be mindful of the impact of our words, even if they may not seem significant at first.
• When faced with someone's upset, it is kinder to take a moment to reflect on how we could have better expressed ourselves and seek feedback.
• It is challenging to care for someone who is angry, but it is important to rise above and try to empathize with them.
• Extending grace to ourselves and remembering our human nature is crucial in handling difficult situations.
• When confronted with anger, it is beneficial to shift our mindset from being furious to being curious to create a more constructive dialogue.
  Transcript:
  Speaker 1
  It doesn't really matter. But it's not OK. And it is a big deal. And it doesn't really matter. That's why I just said it. And so if I do that, then I leave the person both sad and confused. And that's not kinder. The right thing to do in the face of someone else's upset is to try to pause for a moment and to say, I don't think I said that very well. How might I have said it better? To maybe back up and start soliciting some feedback. But what do you do if the other person is not sad, but they're mad? Maybe they start yelling at you. It's pretty hard to care personally about someone who is yelling at you. If you're like me, it's your instinct either to start yelling back and wind up in obnoxious aggression or to creep over to a kind of self-protective manipulative insincerity. And that's normal. It doesn't mean you're a lesser mortal or incapable of feedback. It just means you're human. And so first of all, you know, extend some grace to yourself. But then try to move up on the care personally dimension. And one of the things that I try to tell myself in those moments is, when furious, get curious. So someone's mad. I'm getting mad back. I try to take a deep breath. If I have a bottle of water, I'll unscrew the top, take a sip of water. (Time 0:17:10)
  - Tags:: communication,

The Importance of Honoring and Reflecting on Emotions
Key takeaways:

• Emotion is normal and natural, and should be honored and reflected upon
• Being present and stepping back can help diffuse heated situations
• Getting curious and introspecting during moments of anger
• The words used to ask for feedback can greatly impact the response
• Asking for guidance instead of feedback can elicit more helpful responses
  Transcript:
  Speaker 2
  So many rich ideas in there. When it comes to emotion, I heard you say, and I rightly believe this, that it's normal and natural. We have to honor it. We don't try to hide it or over project it. We need to take time to reflect in the flare up of an emotion that I personally feel. I'm sure others feel the same way when things get heated. I want to adjust and I'm agitated in that moment. And it sounds like being present, stepping back. I love when people get furious, get curious. So really introspect, but also ask.
  Speaker 1
  But not only when the other person is furious, when you yourself are curious. Because if you get mad at me and start yelling, I'm probably going to get mad back. Like anger is very reflective.
  Speaker 2
  One of the challenges many people have in part of that process you talked about is actually asking for feedback. It can be hard. And when it comes to soliciting feedback from others, we've had two different guests bring this up on their own. I didn't initiate it. Bob Chaldini and Jonah Berger both talked about research that looks at how you ask for feedback. The literally the words you use matters. And I know that something that's important for you is that you ask for guidance. You don't actually use the word feedback as much. Can you share a little bit about how we can best ask for that feedback?
  Speaker 1
  Yes, because if you say, Daphne, feedback from me, you are wasting your breath. I can already tell you the answer. No, everything's fine. (Time 0:20:39)
  - Tags:: communication, feedback, guidance,

Asking for Feedback: The Importance of Choosing the Right Words
Key takeaways:

• Asking for feedback can be challenging for many people
• The words you use when asking for feedback can make a difference
• Using the word 'feedback' may not be effective
• Asking for guidance instead of feedback may yield better results
• Writing down the question can help structure it better
• The question should sound like the person asking it
• A good question to ask is 'What could I do or stop doing to make it easier to work with me?'
• This question allows for open feedback
  Transcript:
  Speaker 2
  One of the challenges many people have in part of that process you talked about is actually asking for feedback. It can be hard. And when it comes to soliciting feedback from others, we've had two different guests bring this up on their own. I didn't initiate it. Bob Chaldini and Jonah Berger both talked about research that looks at how you ask for feedback. The literally the words you use matters. And I know that something that's important for you is that you ask for guidance. You don't actually use the word feedback as much. Can you share a little bit about how we can best ask for that feedback?
  Speaker 1
  Yes, because if you say, Daphne, feedback from me, you are wasting your breath. I can already tell you the answer. No, everything's fine. Unless you have teenage children, nobody in your life wants to give you feedback. Your teenage kids are delighted to provide the service for you. If everyone actually listening, unless you're driving, don't do this if you're driving. But if you have a pen and paper handy, write down what your question is. And there's a few elements to a good question. One is it's got to sound like you, not like me. So I'll tell you my question, but don't write my question down. Because if you sound like Kim Scott, people won't believe you want to know the answer. So the question I like to ask is what could I do or stop doing that would make it easier to work with me. And the reason why I like that question is it's pretty open. (Time 0:21:24)
  - Tags:: communication, feedback, guidance,

How to Receive Feedback and Practice Radical Candor
Key takeaways:

• Silence can be a powerful tool to elicit feedback
• Listen with the intent to understand, not to respond
• Feeling defensive when receiving feedback is normal
• Ask follow-up questions to clarify feedback
• Reward candor to encourage future feedback
  Transcript:
  Speaker 1
  So six seconds is a really long time. Other person will probably tell you something if you can make some remains silent for six seconds. And when they say whatever it is that they say, the next most important thing is to make sure that you're listening with the intent to understand not to respond. Because even though you just solicited feedback, when you get it, you're probably going to feel a little bit defensive. It might sting a little bit. And the fact that you feel defensive does not mean you're a lesser mortal or that you're shut down the feedback. It means you're human. And that's okay. That's all part of this. So what you want to do is try to ask a couple of follow up questions. So for example, my daughter said to me at breakfast one morning, Mom, I wish you were not the radical candor lady. And immediately this wave of parental guilt washed over me. I thought I knew what the feedback was. I thought she was telling me I was spending too much time at work. She wanted more time with me. But then I thought, well, I should make sure I understand. So I said, well, who do you wish I were? And she said, I wish you were the lady who minded her own business.
  Speaker 3
  So totally different kind of.
  Speaker 1
  So you want to make sure you're asking some follow up questions. And you really, again, getting curious. You can also get curious when you feel defensive. It's great emotion to try to find your way to. And then last but not least, you got to reward the candor. So four steps. You had to come up with your question. You had to embrace the discomfort. You had to listen with the intent not to respond, but to understand. And last but not least, you got to reward the candor. Because when someone offers you some radical candor, they are taking an interpersonal risk. (Time 0:23:41)
  - Tags:: communication, feedback, guidance,

Four steps to effectively receiving feedback
Key takeaways:

• Follow up with questions to understand better
• Embrace discomfort in order to listen and understand
• Reward candor in interpersonal communication
• Fix problems if you agree with the feedback, justify your disagreement with respect
• Listen, challenge, and commit in a constructive manner
  Transcript:
  Speaker 1
  So you want to make sure you're asking some follow up questions. And you really, again, getting curious. You can also get curious when you feel defensive. It's great emotion to try to find your way to. And then last but not least, you got to reward the candor. So four steps. You had to come up with your question. You had to embrace the discomfort. You had to listen with the intent not to respond, but to understand. And last but not least, you got to reward the candor. Because when someone offers you some radical candor, they are taking an interpersonal risk. And as with money, with interpersonal risk, we expect a high reward. And if we don't get a high reward, we're not going to do it again. And so you've got to make sure if you agree with the feedback that you fix the problem. And if you disagree with the feedback that you are radically candid, I mean, first of all, look for that 5 or 10% of what they said that you can agree with, just to show that you were listening. And to make sure that you're approving that you're not shut down the feedback. And then say, as for the rest of it, I want to think about, if you're feeling defensive, I want to think about it and get back to you. If you're not feeling defensive, I want to explain to you why I disagree. But thank you for telling me. And let's try to get onto the same page. You can't argue, endlessly. At some point, you got to listen, challenge, commit. But if you just tell the person whose feedback you disagreed with, thank you for the feedback. (Time 0:24:50)
  - Tags:: challenge, commit, li_challenge, listening,

Episode AI notes

1. Giving and receiving feedback is critical for improving communication skills and career growth.
2. Radical Candor is about caring personally and challenging directly, which is considered radical because these qualities are rare.
3. The four quadrants of feedback behavior are obnoxious aggression, manipulative insincerity, ruinous empathy, and radical candor.
4. Manipulative insincerity, characterized by political behavior and passive-aggressive behavior, is the worst form of feedback behavior.
5. Direct feedback is important for career growth and can often provide valuable insights.
6. Effective feedback should be given through synchronous voice conversations, with praise in public and criticism in private.
7. When providing feedback, focus on behaviors that can be improved or changed and use a framework of context, observation, result, and next steps.
8. In handling upset and anger, it's important to seek feedback and extend grace by staying curious and calm.
9. Embracing and reflecting on emotions, as well as choosing the right words when asking for feedback, are crucial for effective communication.
10. When receiving feedback, listen to understand without becoming defensive, ask follow-up questions, and reward candor.
11. Four steps to effectively receiving feedback include asking follow-up questions, staying curious, rewarding candor, and aiming for effective communication. (Time 0:00:00)