Parenting Hacks Part 2 More Tips and Scripts From a Hacker Dad

URL: http://rez0.blog/personal/2023/09/12/parenting-hacks-part-2.html

If you want them to be healthy emotionally, you’ll need to be vulnerable and talk about your emotions. Ask them how they’re doing regularly (we ask our kids how their hearts are doing every night or two). (View Highlight)

• Discipline Years (0-5 years old): Compliance
• Training Years (5-12): Compliance + Understanding
• Coaching Years (12-18): Understanding + Introduce Autonomy
• Friendship Years (18+ years old): Full Autonomy (View Highlight)

In the coaching years, and I think this might be the hardest part, so many parents try to keep up the hardcore discipline. They never allow their child to make low-risk decisions by themselves. This robs the child of learning from failures and begins to erode respect. In the coaching years, try to look for opportunities to say “I would do {suggestion}, but I’ll let you decide.” (View Highlight)

In the friendship years, many parents continue to give unsolicited advice, often causing frustration. I heard some wisdom around telling your adult children something along these lines: “I am always here to give advice and help you, but from this point, I’ll mostly bite my tongue unless you ask.” This seems so healthy to me. I’m sure I’ll fail at it sometimes, but it shows so much respect and love. (View Highlight)

Note:: I remember the first time an older person didn’t just tell me what to do. We were working on my car. At every step, when he noticed I was struggling, he didn’t just say do… He said, would you like help?

First, and probably most importantly, it takes time normally spent separate from them and turns it into spending time with them. Second, it helps them learn a skill they don’t have. Third, it shows them that we trust them to help, which builds the relationship. Fourth, it gives lots of opportunities to compliment them. Fifth, it creates a positive association with work. They aren’t immediately complaining about work or asking to be paid for helping. They’re simply being a part of the family unit. (View Highlight)

• Be careful how much you talk about your kids in front of them. We don’t do this to each other as adults.
• Be easy on the amount of sarcasm we use as parents. As adults, we have a much stronger grasp of sarcasm. Kids don’t. If a child isn’t vocalizing their confusion, you have no idea if they understood the sarcasm or if they took it as truth.
• Overreacting often leads to hiding the behavior rather than changes in behavior.
• Compliment your spouse to your kids. It’s modeling love, and it makes them more secure in their parents love for each other.
• Get interested in whatever your kids are interested in.
• Take more videos than pictures. Hearing their little voices and seeing their mannerisms is priceless. (View Highlight)

• Literally EVERY TIME they ask a question. It teaches them critical thinking and helps them find their own voice/opinions] “What do you think?”
• [Before we ask if they did something against the rules] **“Hey {name}, I have a question for you. And you might be tempted to lie, so think about what you’re going to say before you say it. Remember, we always tell the truth.” **
• [When dealing with bedtime fears] “You’re always safe with me. Our home is a safe place. You’ve slept in this bed over 1,000 times. Has anything bad ever happened?”
• [When they only say “sorry”] “Uh oh! Sorry isn’t a sentence. What are you sorry for?”
• [When modeling forgiveness, show them how to repair the relationship] **“I’m sorry that I {action}. Is there anything I can do to make it up to you?” **
• [As a mantra to yourself or a spouse] “It’s just a season.”
• [As a mantra to yourself or a spouse for remembering to let them learn from their mistakes] “Don’t bail, let ‘em fail” (View Highlight)